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Lady of Contradiction
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She awakens at the sound of her alarm, rolling over in bed she gropes blindly to turn it off.. She is grumpy this morning…..(not that she ever was a morning person to begin with!) She is not always grumpy though! She hasn’t slept very well in the past 6 months and she is horny…”Whats new!” she tells herself.. “No time to play, work is waiting..another day, another dollar.”

She walks into her bathroom, sits on the toilet to urinate and reaches over to turn the shower on. Sometimes she showers at night..but last night she didn’t. Her hair is an unruly, curly/wavy mess much like a lions mane… and her friends always tell her she should straighten it. “It would look so nice!, “Men don’t like women with curly hair!” All the comments she hears….she tells them all the same “Leave me be…I like my hair” They bring it up once in a while when they see her….when she is struggling with a frizzy hair day…(which is often) but she knows they just want to see something different… If she straightens it..it’s curly within 15 minutes…that’s how it goes….stylists at salons have done it—and it curled..Just let it be natural..

As she gets in the shower she starts to thaw out.. and she starts to think about the upcoming day. She starts washing her lush body, lifting her tits to wash them. Under her arms, her tummy, she puts her foot up on the edge of the tub and washes her legs and between them, her ass gets a scrubbing too. She shampoos her mane, and finger combs it with help of conditioner. So many knots! She never has a set way of washing—but she makes sure it’s all washed.

She has masturbated in the shower before….but it doesn’t “do it “for her she prefers a man…even a toy over the shower heads pulsating stream on her clit. She leans her body against the shower stall and relaxes, letting the water hit her back, she enjoys this part of her mornings and lets her mind relax a bit and enjoy the warmth for a bit.
Getting out of the shower she towels off her body and towel dries her hair. She rarely uses a blow dryer but just adds cream, mousse, something to her hair and styles it loosely—since it will dry how ever it wants on her drive to work. She stands at the sink naked, applying deodorant to her armpits, staring into the partial foggy mirror. She brushes her teeth and then grabs the supplements, vitamins, daily meds she takes every morning and downs them with some water. She sometimes perfumes or lotions her body—sometimes not..this morning she doesn’t.

She walks into her bedroom and grabs her panties and bra from the drawer…They are usually cotton or satin—sometimes lacey. She likes sexy undergarments—because she knows society doesn’t think big is beautiful—but she knows she is, and underneath her matronly work clothes she has on something sexy against her skin. “Cotton can be sexy! “ she says as she slips on her panties and finishes drying off before putting on her bra and adjusting her tits. She usually knows what she is going to wear to work but lately she hasn’t cared..She knows she has clothes; clean—unwrinkled…and grabs the first thing she sees that fits her.. She has a mound of clean clothes she needs to iron, hang up, put away---and puts it on her mental “to do list” to get done….But when?

She used to be so “together” having lists, getting work done…her home is clean..but she has unfinished things like laundry, filing of important papers, and dishes to be put away. She is depressed… “not working for so long does that to a lady”..she says. But she is employed again… making much less money—but feeling more confident and enjoying the feeling of being needed again.

Back to dressing, she grabs slacks—grey, black, brown…whichever color..and a blouse… Her clothes are matronly most of the time….They don’t have many “cute, professional young adult” clothes for bigger women….or maybe they do but she can’t afford them right now…She has skirts and dresses..but she sometimes feels “too uncovered” and doesn’t that mean she needs to shave her legs? “Wow, I am lazy!” --back to thinking about clothes..She isn’t sure…she will look online later or browse some stores over the weekend…”Whatever!” she thinks and she finishes dressing, puts on some flats and gets ready to leave for work.

Breakfast…..her favorite meal ever….she didn’t set aside enough time to cook an egg or some ham, sausage..something!..she always wants to but hasn’t done it lately….”If only I woke up earlier! If only I could sleep at night!” She always tells herself..As she grabs an apple (she most likely won’t eat) and walks out the door.

On her way to work she sits in traffic….She starts to people watch—the people in cars, trucks, vans, semi’s around her… Young, Old, Asian, Hispanic, Caucasian, Business men, Stay at home Mothers…She always wonders how her life compares to theirs….. is she on the right path? Is she ready for what is yet to come? Does she have a choice to be ready? “I over think things” she exclaims as she starts to gain speed on the interstate.. She knows what she wants most of the time but is sometimes unsure how to get it. She wants a companion, someone to love her….she wants little ones..but not anytime soon…She wants a nice home..a dog, a yard.. She wants to become successful in her career…She has all of these ideas, goals…concepts..that she is pretty sure she will find….she is an ambitious person..but when?!

She looks down at her shoe laden foot on the gas pedal and remembers she needs to get a pedicure…”It is long over due.” But remembers she doesn’t get out of work until late, she is short on cash..and the nail salons are closed after 7… “Another weekend plan!” but she has told herself that for over a month now…

Arriving at work, she grabs her uneaten apple and purse and walks inside. If she sees anyone she smiles and tells them good morning..She doesn’t feel the obligation to go to everyone’s office and be super cheerful and talk about what she did the night before. (she never did anything THAT exciting anyway) When she gets to work, she is in work mode…sitting down at her desk, turning on her computer screen and she starts to review her emails…and open her spreadsheets….. she starts the work for the day and if someone comes in to talk she stops her work politely and gives them their time. At times she is so absorbed she gets annoyed when interrupted..and sometimes wants to shoo them away…but they know she won’t do that she is the “Yes Man” . She covers her frustrations up with a smile and asks “how are you?”

The people she works with are nice, very professional and laid back….She likes the environment as compared to her old…higher paying job, that she got laid off from.. “You win some, you lose some” she has to remind herself… Her bosses are all very handsome men….in their own way…She would never “approach” them in a sexual manner but a girl can fantasize! “Right?!”

She sometimes gets turned on during meetings..for no apparent reason---day dreaming usually, and has to make sure people leave before her..so when she gets up she can wipe away the wetness from her seat. Sometimes she gets so wet she has to wear a feminine liner in her panties.

Some of the outside workers stare at her when they come in for supplies….she notices this often with lawn workers, construction, maintenance men…..but then again they do that to all women..right? She always acts like she isn’t paying any attention to them or that they are invisible…but she knows they are around. They speak in whispers and she can pick up a few words…but doesn’t know the Spanish language at fluidly as she would like to. Most of the time someone walks by them and tells them to “get to work..stop horsing around” and they all laugh and walk away. Nobody is ever mean or angry about it.

The majority of the company is men…she likes this---not because of the “sexual energy” (laugh!) but because she doesn’t have to be fake..she doesn’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings with her bluntness..She is a no nonsense woman and men can handle that—and usually like that about her. She doesn’t feel like she walked into a chicken coop…every morning, with hens clucking around—gossiping..starting drama.
When it is time to leave..she leaves---unless asked to stay…. She told herself she would have a better “Work/Life” balance than before—but knows…just like her father—she can become a work-a-holic easily..especially when she doesn’t have much to look forward to at home…Alone.

Regardless of when she leaves..traffic is usually abundant…so she sits in traffic and thinks about her day..and people watches again… wondering what other people are going home to…. Abuse? Happy Little ones? A horny spouse/lover? She is still horny—always horny..but just puts it on the back burner…she thinks of her unfilled orgasm quota as overflowing…..the sex she wants is not just “Any type” She wants a good chemistry…connection…a lover…a friend… someone to keep her peaked in orgasm after orgasm and her returning the favor.

She used to be so giving---until she got burned one too many times from it….she takes more now….but has learned… the good and bad way—that she must give back what is given to her…when she is with a worthy partner…. She got so greedy she forgot about him at times…. Such a shame.. She is not interested in a booty call or one night stand… But she finds it hard to meet men that see her as more than a sexual object. “Scratch that! I am more than a fuck!” She has so much to offer them..but holds back (even at the wrong times) so she doesn’t get hurt.

“Where is a man that understand I have strong sexual urges..but want to be held and talked to after we tear each others clothes off and fuck like rabbits?!” she thinks to herself time and time again…Where are they? Why do men define women in categories… “If she is horny…and wanting to fuck..she MUST not be marriage material…she MUST be easy---She must not be worthy of dating..she just wants cock…” Right? –Totally WRONG!
She compares herself to a cat in heat at times…. Meowing with her ass in the air or roaming for a tom cat cock.  (Funny thought and image right?)But this is just one dynamic side of her. One ***** of her flower.

She can also fill your head with stories..funny, educational, ones filled with love and others of hurt and betrayal. She is a great conversationalist and is very intelligent and wise for her age.. Unlike her matronly clothing choices…she has a cherubic young face—and people often as “How old are you? What grade are you in?” or “Your skin is so soft and clear…how to you keep it so nice?”
She is said to look shy and innocent when first meeting..but surprises people with her outlandish comments at times, her straight forward attitude, smartness, wittiness..her determination..stubbornness, thoughtfulness, caring motherly approaches…and laughter. (Yes, you can be a wench, minx and angel all in one body! And yes that was a LONG sentence!)
Then they assume she is much older..more mature…even for her actual age…and sometime people find her a great friend but others find her intimidating. To each their own right?

*** Getting off topic—(I can imagine the reader thinks..this lady jumps around a bit doesn’t she)—

She gets home from work, stripping her clothes off as soon as the locks the front door. She throws her clothes in the hamper and walks into the kitchen thinking of what she wants for dinner..a quick dinner..a quick meal. She needs to go grocery shopping..and decides to make an egg.. “I guess I got breakfast after all”

She doesn’t eat 3-5 meals a day like you are suppose to..it is usually 1 or 2. Her body thinks she is starving herself..so she keeps the weight on… “I know I am a fucked up mess!” She thinks. She is so tired of hearing from co-workers, friends, family, total strangers..of how to lose weight…and its all a different way…. She feels like she is part of a tug of war and she is the rope. “Just let me Bbe” she says..but some still bug her… She wishes there was an answer she could give them to shut them up..but there isn’t. She knows they are concerned for her…or just being rude (matters the person) but she wants to be left alone…it actually upsets her more…being bugged. She eats lunch alone in her car –most days..so she doesn’t have to have someone eyeing her meal choice….even if it is healthy. She is insecure..who wouldn’t be?

Fat people know how to eat well..eat healthy..exercise…it’s the actual APPLYING of it. Fat to her is a comfort…it’s an emotional journey she went through The journey wasn’t a fun filled one…she has a lot to work on. She isn’t happy with her size but she is accepting of herself. --She is a work in progress.—

She needs to stop being so stubborn at times and pay attention…and she knows that. She knows people love her..for who she is..and wish that she was happier with her body….maybe she is paranoid…maybe not?

She sits down on the sofa and turns on her TV or computer….she has already eaten standing up…or is eating now…or not eating at all… she reviews her personal emails…logs on to her ***** and sees what assignments are due. Most of her evenings are rather boring…. Nothing to look forward to…..not even a pet to come home to. “I need a social life! And stop making damn excuses! Friend have spouses..friends have *****… OK they can make ME time also!”

She remembers she is horny again…and goes off to fix that---even if its just a simple fix…that doesn’t satiate her…she knows she can depend on her toys…they won’t let her down…just sometimes the batteries do.

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