Wednesday, 01 August 2012 @ 14:44
The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a *** - I was 10 and thought she was hot as fuck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"
The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a ***, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conference at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'fuck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and fuck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"Fuck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the fuck up bulldog"
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a *** - I was 10 and thought she was hot as fuck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"
The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a ***, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conference at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'fuck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and fuck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"Fuck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the fuck up bulldog"