debonair2 blogs

According To William Sexfear:

 

Life Is Like A Pussy Hole - It’s Filled With Pleasure & Pain.
Time Is Like An Ass Hole - What Passes Out Doesn’t Come Back.
Business Is Like Boobs - It Bounces Up & Down.
Inflation Is Like Blow Jobs - They Suck The Happiness Out Of Life.
But Friendship Is Like Sex - Life Has No Meaning Without It.

More Jokes ...
Husband Proof Of Age
 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
 
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
 
And then the fight started…
As I mature ...

 I've learned that you can't make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others.

They are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place. I've learned that 99 of the time, when something isn't working in your house, one of the *** did it. I've learned that the people you care most about in life, are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

A Little Off The Top Please...

 A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her

vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the 
operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to 
find out. The doctor agrees.
 
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed
beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and 
says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
 
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is 
from me.I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. 
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, 
and she had the operation done herself."
 
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
 
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the 
burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
 

 

Joke: Boy puzzled goes to mother

 A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
“Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?”
She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”
“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”
“Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, “but why are you so curious, Broken Rubber?”

Joke...

 A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.” She says, “This isn’t a real bank, it’s a sperm bank.”

He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”

man attitude ....

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.”

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said. “That’s right!!” said the husband, “and don’t you forget it.

I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude.”

Funny situation...

 Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph: “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!” Ralph looked out the window and said: “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there!”

Mary cried: “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!” So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race… so he started running along side the others — only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: “Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

The other runner then asked the nude man: “Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly: “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

The runner then asked: “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

 

More joke ...

A policeman sent his wife and ***** to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. “No darling, we can’t do it here, what if the *** wakes up?” “You are right, lets go to the beach.” They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them. “Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.” “You are right”, said the husband, “but it was a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.” “Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.”

Penis size survey

 An online site that lists the global penis sizes has become an Internet sensation, with Congo being placed at the top of the list. The Dem. Rep. Congo has taken top spot, with the average size being 7.1 inches or 18cm (self-reported). Second on the list is Ecuador where the average size is 6.9 inches or 17.5cm (measured), and Ghana is at number four with the average size of 6.8 inches or 17.3cm (self-reported).

At number five is Colombia, where the average size is 6.7 inches or 17cm (measured), and number at six is Venezuela, where the average size is 6.7 inches or 17cm (measured).

At number 7 is Lebanon, followed by Jamaica at number 12, Brazil at number 15, France at number 17, Czech Republic at number 22, the Netherlands at number 27, Italy at number 31.

Egypt was placed at number 33, Denmark at number 42, Mexico at number 49, Morocco at number 51, Sweden at number 58, Greece at number 61, Chili at number 64, Germany at number 68, Norway at number 72.

United Kingdom was at number 82, Spain at number 85, Australia at number 94, USA at number 98, Ireland at number 99, Romania at number 101, Indonesia at number 104, Malaysia at number 106.

Last but not the least, India at number 116, Japan at number 110, China at number 112, Thailand at number 117, and South Korea at number 119.

Finding : Penis size from emerging economies are small !!

 

Sex Without Light

 There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the *****.”

Joke: Meaning of WIFE

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No *****."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

Pre Mature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem …
In response the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself”. That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ‘69′ position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”. The man answered, “Not that well … when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem …
 
In response the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself”. That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
 
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ‘69′ position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
 
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”. The man answered, “Not that well … when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”

Male Wisdom
When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’ There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ’stop’, unless they are used together. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. Virginity can be cured. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing. Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed’ many men still sleep with their wives.
Womens Poem Vs Mens Poem
WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Man & His Wife- a story

 Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

 
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
 
Shortly after that they were married.
 
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
 
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
 
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
 
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
 
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
 
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
 
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
 
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”
 
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
The Driver & Passenger

 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

I will be brief in answer...

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.

The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

“I am only following the instructions — the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.”

Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
 
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
 
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
 
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
 
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
 
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
 
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
 
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
 
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
 
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
 
He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
 
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled….
A Smart Student!!
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students by the name of Bibek.The teacher asked, “Bibek, what is your problem?”Bibek answered, “I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too.”Teacher had enough. She took Bibek to the principal’s office.While Bibek waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.The principal told the teacher that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.Bibek was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”Bibek : “9.”Principal: “What is 6 x 6 ?”Bibek : “36.”And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at the Teacher and tells her, “I think Bibek can go to the third grade.”The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him, some questions?”The principal and Bibek both agree.Teacher : “What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?Bibek, after a moment “Legs.”Teacher : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”Bibek : “Pockets.”Teacher : “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?”Bibek : “Coconut.”Teacher : “What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?”The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Bibek takes charge…..Bibek : “Bubblegum.”Teacher : “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?”The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…..Bibek : “Shake hands.”Teacher : “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ questions, okay?”Bibek : Ok.Teacher : “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”Bibek : “Tent.”Teacher : “A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Bibek : “Wedding Ring.”Teacher : “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?”Bibek ; “Arrow.”Teacher : “What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?”Bibek : “Fire truck.”The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,“Send Bibek to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students by the name of Bibek. The teacher asked, “Bibek, what is your problem?” Bibek answered, “I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too.” Teacher had enough. She took Bibek to the principal’s office. While Bibek waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Bibek was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Bibek : “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6 ?” Bibek : “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at the Teacher and tells her, “I think Bibek can go to the third grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him, some questions?” The principal and Bibek both agree. Teacher : “What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of? Bibek, after a moment “Legs.” Teacher : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” Bibek : “Pockets.” Teacher : “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?” Bibek : “Coconut.” Teacher : “What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Bibek takes charge….. Bibek : “Bubblegum.” Teacher : “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer….. Bibek : “Shake hands.” Teacher : “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ questions, okay?” Bibek : Ok. Teacher : “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.” Bibek : “Tent.” Teacher : “A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.” The principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Bibek : “Wedding Ring.” Teacher : “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?” Bibek ; “Arrow.” Teacher : “What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?” Bibek : “Fire truck.” The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send Bibek to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”
How to Cure a Headache ..
“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”
 
He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear”.
“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.
Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?”
“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear”.

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?”

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

Want to tell a story ....

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story – Pay your bloody bills !!!

Delivery
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
 
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
 
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
 
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
 
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
 
When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
What a b'day !

Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the *****… They will remember.

They came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my *****, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Do U Know How To Have Sex ?

A man walked up to a farmer’s house, and knocked on the door.

When the farmer’s wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she
slammed the door and screamed, “Get the hell away!”

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, “Yes!”

The man replied, “Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!

Un-expected answers

 Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but i can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

Sexual Harassment

 A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, “He’s a midget.”

The Right Woman-- story of my life

 When I was 18, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 20 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

A Boy’s First Condom

 I recall my first time with a condom, I was 18 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin’s pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time..’

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the crap out of me…

Haunted from the grave

 An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”

 
Stop in the name of love...
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes!!”

Ideal Man

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE …NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON’T BEAT ME UP
2) WON’T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”

“Hi,” he said, ” your search is over, for I’m the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”

“Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied,….. “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

Farting Liability

 Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off

his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” She says: “You must be new here; let me
explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you
called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says:
“Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” The Huge Man:

“You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

Receptionist: “May I help you?” Bob says: “Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only
been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities…..”

Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

black condom....

 A 'just married' White couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel. 

The wife did not want to get pregnant yet and requested the husband to buy condoms from the shop nearby. 

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. 

The husband had a hard time finding a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. 

He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted. 

'The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each.'   So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents. 

While the husband was out, a Black thief came into the room.The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing. 

The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband re ache d the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. 

Without a warning, he jumped onto her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic and she thoroughly enjoyed the session. 

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a Black baby boy. When the boy grew up, he asked the father. 'Papa, why am I Black and you are White?' 

The father shouted 'You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!'……….

Lesson in government

!A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to

ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work convince, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” ”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.

”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. ”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help.

When he got to his parents’ bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud,

”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work convince, Congress is fast asleep, nobody caresabout the people, and the future is full of shit!”

Why a cow looks depressed while being miked
At the Polish Agricultural University (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: “Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?” The Professor answered, “Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn’t fuck you afterwards, you’ll look depressed too!”
Sex is a Killer!

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. “Doc,” he said, “I feel like killing my wife. You’ve got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.”

The doctor thought for a moment. “Look,” he said, “here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they’ll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you’ll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.”

“Wonderful, doc,” said the grateful patient. “I’ll start with this right away.”

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

“What happened?” asked the doctor. “What happened to your wife?”

“Don’t worry, doc,” the patient reassured him, “two more days and she’ll be dead.”

Probability and Sex

 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.

20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.

36% of the women favour nudity.

45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.

46% of the women experienced anal sex.

70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.

80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.

90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest. 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

The cucumber needs explanation!

 Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp only to discover a cucumber in his hand. “Is THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 10 years?” she exclaimed.

“Honey! Let me explain!” he replied.

“Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent SOB!!”

“Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “Maybe you’d care to explain our 2 ***** !!!

 

Pull my ears!

 These aliens land in this farmers field and they go in and start talking to the farmer and his wife. After a while, they decide to swap sex partners for the night. So, the human man and the alien woman go in one room, and the alien man and the human woman go in another room.

The alien man and human woman are about to get frisky when she looks at him and says, “Gosh…it’s so big!”

“If you like,” replies the alien, “you can make it bigger by pulling on my ears.”

So, she pulls on his ears and, bing, it gets bigger.

The next morning the aliens leave and the human couple are talking. “Well, honey,” says the husband, “how was it?”

“I just gotta tell ya,” she says with a faraway look in her eyes, “it was the best I’ve ever had. How ’bout you, was it good?

“It wasn’t worth a damn,” he says. “That bitch was trying to pull my ears off all night long!”

Joke Aagin- American History

It was the first day of *****, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was entering the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death?’”

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.

“Now,” said the teacher, “who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?’”

Again, there was no response except from Toshiba. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.”

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: “Damned Japanese.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba’s classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, “I’m gonna throw up.”

The Teacher asked, “Who said that?”

Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!”

Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky!
Good Luck Mr. Gorsky! When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, ‘Good luck Mr. Gorsky.’ Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the ‘Good luck Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a ***, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: “Oral sex! You want oral sex? You’ll get oral sex when the *** next door walks on the moon!”
more jokes
Take Your Choice! A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.” The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!” “Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.” “Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!” “Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!” The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!” “Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!” The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?” The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!” “Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!” “Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
thank God i am a man , tho i love women
Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 days Man, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a man Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin Man, I'm glad I'm a man!
few questions
Question. Why did God create alcohol? Answer. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex Question. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water? Answer. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet! Question. Why can't women read maps? Answer. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
a joke
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”
reasons- letter to my wife and reply
The reason! To My Dearest Wife, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often: We will wake the ***** – 54 times It’s too late – 15 times I’m too tired – 42 times It’s too early – 12 times It’s too hot – 18 times Pretending to be asleep – 31 times The neighbors will hear – 9 times Headache or backache – 26 times Sunburn – 10 times Your mother will hear us – 9 times Not in the mood – 21 times Watching the late show – 17 times Too sore – 26 times New hairdo – 6 times Wrong time of the month – 14 times You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we?? Love, Your Hubby ********************** To My Dearest Husband, I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year: Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times Did not come home at all – 36 times Did not come – 21 times Came too soon – 38 times Went soft before you got it in – 19 times Cramps in your leg – 16 times Working too late – 33 times You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?” Love, Your Wife
About
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  •  debonair2
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