1964: Mrs. Margaret Soze, the wife of an immigrant Czech handyman, gives birth to their first and only ch*ld. It is a boy, and they name it Keyser. He is an exceptionally cute baby with a sweet disposition. Little did they know that within 45 years Keyser would be one of the most wanted men on www.yuvutu.com
1969: Keyser starts to attend infant sch**l but does not mix well with the other ch*ldren. On his first day a pint of milk somehow ends up being poured over his crotch, necessitating urgent removal of his shorts. This will prove to have a devastating psychological effect on the young boy as he grows up and to this day he instantly gets an erection when he sees a full milk bottle. This affliction will lead to an unfortunate incident in his local corner shop when Keyser is present as a milkman makes his daily delivery.
1976: Whilst the rest of London seethes with the hot weather and the beginnings of the musical movement known as Punk Rock, Keyser attends senior sch**l dressed in a tank top and checked trousers. This easily marks him out as a target for the sch**l bully and he is threatened with having his head thrust down a toilet bowl. However, in a bizarre act of almost heroic bravery, Keyser launches into a tap dance routine whilst singing "Over The Rainbow" at full volume - this act of unnerving weirdness alone will safeguard him from any further trouble. Teachers and pupils alike avoid him for the rest of his schooldays, so Keyser has to educate himself armed only with two books - "The Rise & Fall Of The Roman Empire" and "A Guide To Botany". He becomes expert in the art of violent flower arranging.
1980: Keyser undertakes his final examinations. During a Maths exam, with the t**nager's volatile hormones raging, he is unfortunately told to sit next to Marsha Brunswick, a buxom blonde aged 15¾. This has a remarkable effect on Keyser and he inadvertantly mixes a torrid love note to Marsha with his exam paper. This results in Keyser being expelled from sch**l. Marsha Brunswick later becomes a maths teacher.
1981: Keyser starts his first job, working as a clerk in an air conditioning firm. He likes it and gets on well with the staff there, often going out with them after work hours. But a late-night incident in London's Soho district involving a coke bottle, a video camera and the company's female secretary will see Keyser lose his cherished job. He becomes depressed and attempts to start a life of petty crime, although this career is doomed to failure due to his inability to complete even the simplest of thefts. His attempt to steal some rubber bands from a local stationery store is foiled when one of the bands snags on the door and rebounds Keyser back into the shop, and the debacle that became known as "The Porno Mag Incident" is best left undisclosed.
1982: A job in local government is the next step for Keyser. The post is held in an imposing, monolithic building but Keyser's spirit remains undaunted: "The building has not been built that can hold me," he tells a colleague, "And I'll get out of this one if it means spending my entire life here..." Some 26 years later, Keyser is still in the same building.
1982 - 1999: Sightings of Keyser for this long period are rare and undocumented. Some say he was a refugee in Santiago, others that he worked for the CIA on Black Ops. Still others are convinced that Keyser spent three years posing as an Argentinian general. A rumour that Keyser stood behind the Pope on the balcony at St. Peter's Square in 1993 cannot be confirmed. What is known for certain is that he appeared in Paris in 1997 as a mildly successful cabaret singer called "Buster BoJangles" in the Moulin Rouge, and the following year he was spotted in Iraq syphoning off "black gold" from the many abandoned oil fields. These 17 years seem to be a dark period for Keyser during which he did not shave or bathe, and his thinning, greasy hair had been dyed pink, possibly as a cry for help.
2000 - 2008: The Millenium celebrations marked a triumphant return into the limelight for Keyser. He spends it with an internet colleague and forges a meaningful relationship with her which will last to this day. Keyser learns to hurl his tennis racket with unfailing accuracy at small rodents and makes lifesize models of Queen Anne chairs out of broken matchsticks. A visit to a local pub, however, results in a charge of "indecent exposure" when a bet over a pool match goes horribly wrong. In 2002, at a Sex Pistols reunion concert in Finsbury Park, Keyser is mistakenly identified as Johnny Rotten and appears onstage in front of 5,000 people. No one notices that anything is wrong.
Present day: Today, Keyser is fairly contented in his home, surrounded by his meagre possessions and family heirlooms. He landscapes gardens for free, knits tea cosies, and cavorts with titled ladies. He pogos, he piruettes, he glides. He writes threepenny operas and sells them to rich financiers for large sums of money. He advises monarchs on sensitive issues of state, sings opera every evening for 2 hours, and makes jam butties for his tea. And sometimes - just sometimes - when he is feeling frisky, he trolls.....